Dard-e-disco!

am i a desparate soul? desperate to be understood, desperate to love...desperate to be loved?? desperate to know the future, desperate to become the past, desperate to be happy, desperate to cry? i think it clearly shows in my eyes...the desperation to be understood or misunderstood all at one go. i've always associated men with this term, until i discovered the beautiful irony of this word in my life. how do i manage so much desperation at one go? am desperate to know...

Google myself....

where do i find 'me'? cant remember where i lost myself? i can still sense the grip...with which i was holding on... to self. i wonder what happened? aint it sad when you miss somebody so much that you forget that you've gone missing yourself?!! everyone's living a life here, everybody has a plan, everybody seems to have their own motives, drive, ambitions, goals, fires, conflicts, challenges, loves, hatreds...what happened to your own? lost perspective. selfless....heard that before? cares who though? they just expect you to be 'strong', 'dynamic', 'vibrant' and a confident individual...when you're probably happy being the way you are...happy losing yourself. they want you to know exactly what you want. and you want to know/do exactly what they want. how i wish...one could just lose themselves forever, get supremely selfish and weak...self zero and not just self less...how i wish you could just let everything take over. enjoy the helplessness till you sink...lose it. lose yourself. in conlclusion, there is 'no' selfless love...love is selfless. coz its so divided, where is 'self' anyways? 'selfish' is the way to go...if you wanna love just one! wooooh...did i just propound a theory??! am still googling...self! click! self! click click! 10000000000 results found...told ya...there cant be one.

Smiling in my head...

it makes a difference i'm telling you, by sheer experience! this is something that doesnt happen on its own, you have to make it happen...with a conscious effort. practice, practice and more practice and you will achieve it. a simple exercise, roll your eyes up, focus on your brain at least for once believe that you have one! try and feel it with your eyes, and you'll feel its melting, from being a solid mass of 'substance' ideally, it assumes a more heart-like shape...now it begins to smile. slow sedation begins...as you feed it with a slow beautiful song, it begins to smile wider.everything seems perfect. everything seems simple now, colour of the world around you changes. life doesnt seems any better or worse. people seem like people. worst fears turn into real practical situations, no surrealism no imagination no hopes no dreams no demands no expectations no sadness no joy. right now i'm smiling in my head...someone take a picture, someone freeze it there. actually just let go...

I'm sorry if i have hurt you...

washing my hands off you...i'm sorry for what happened, i'm sorry for what didnt. can we somehow 'undo' the past? coz i sincerely regret everything...you know it was a mistake!

if its love it will stay...

yellow light from d lamp post makes me think...it stays, even after the break of the dawn...it stays around. to me and u it seems like its fainted or gone but it lurks round the corner...quitely waiting for d night...it stays. trust me...it will!

but then...

when was d last time u wanted to shake someone up and say...."but then"!!!! but then thats not what i meant, its find by me if you dont understand me, but then...how do you manage to misunderstand??? yes i did complain, yes i was sarcastic, but then...and yeah! i was at fault, it was meant to hurt you or maybe not. maybe i didnt think twice before i said it. i just took you for granted...but then...you know what, i love this phras! the beauty with which it brings anything/everything to an end. a boon to every escapist, pardon seeker, misunderstood being. like an echo in your head, that leaves you feeling guilty, speechless and good for nothing. but then its amazing how it feels like a raft on rough seas in helpless situations...funnily, it also goes to indicate that you'll sink in no time and yet...there's hope...you will live, but then.........

tryst with trust...

if its so fragile then why the hell does it hold so much importance in our lives? y are we so conscious and aware of it? if its meant to be broken then why so much brouhaha over 'having' it or building it in the first place?? and then feeling terribly hurt when its gone! funny..aint we? we build, break, betray and expect trust as and when we want, with whoever we want...so much abuse of such a tangible commodity? the moment you make a promise you've broken it and the moment you wonder if its gone..you need to know...it was never meant to be there in the first place. anger. frustration. self-pity. options galore! but then, a wise man told me last evening that everything in life is actually a phase...in the very 'this too shall pass' manner...accept it, face it and live with it. what goes around...probably comes around. in fact, definitely comes around. so expect..with all your heart....the worst! worst sounds bad...but its not such a bad word i tell you. it just prepares you for a lot of things, it strengthens you...head on. the tryst with trust shall continue...

earthshattering!!!

am going to write something earthshattering today...have decided. enough of hearing the chak de song and not doing anything about it. enough of sitting back and admiring others. enough of enough. now...is the time. im expected to have arrived. motivation at 27...er...almost 28 shouldnt take much...then where's the drive? the fire? i can feel it burning inside but i want to see the bright orange flames now. there's very little time...it waits for none and im running out of it with every passing second. my clock will soon be empty..it needs to be resounding with my victory...the next few hours need to be 'my hours'. the time is here...then where am i? quickly...i need to find myself and head for...for....,,./////.....@###...alright...my time's up

whats missing?

a tunnel of emotions...or a funnel of a human, how exactly can i describe myself right now? figuring out...have never felt this incomplete in life ever. last night, i had the entire bunch of my favourite people in office over...we sat chatted, had a 'blast' as they say...but then, i couldnt run very far...the emptiness just loomed large around me. the more i'd try to run the more 'quicksandish' proportions it gained. by the end of it, i gave up, i was hollow.
i have always believed and opined that 'one' incident, one person or one thing in should not determine your entire life, its like standing on a wooden raft that might overturn any moment. just that 'one' wave...will then be held responsible...for no real fault of its own. but then, this is like waiting and giving in to that 'one' wave. suicidal? no, as long as it fills into you...into the hollowness, just let go. the wait will soon be over, but then...am i going to miss the void? the emptiness? the hollow me?

bye bye blog..

alright my love, i gotta go now. my bro's leaving for south africa. ya...thats right. imp to mention that coz this is the first time ever that someone from the family is undertaking a foreign trip! the only two people who seem most excited are me and my dad. thats the two of us...small things make us happy. wonder how others miss out on them?! losers. i'd say. so i'm going to wish him all the very best. he insists there is no need to come but then there's this strange desire to go and see him off. will he look any different when he returns? the exact expression on his face as of now. has he packed well? its a mix of emotions you see :-) my twin little toddler is old enough to take an international flight today...wonder if they have any words for this...its just an honest interpretation of what i feel right now. i feel so good! he so totally deserves it. all these years in sports journalism i saw and heard of all mine and his colleagues travel 'out'. today is our big day, our celebration. how can i miss out on that? how can i not be a part of it? im leaving for now. shall be back again...soon enough! and yes, we shall have part 2 of this when he returns with his many stories! and hopefully some gifts!! he's not the types who would buy but then "ummeed pe duniya kayam hai"! bye bye blog. miss you already.

a blogger at last...

...welcome to the world of blogging...by complete fluke and shallow excitement of seeing others owning a 'webpage' god alone knows how long this sustains my interest, as has been the fate of many diaries that i started writing at the beginning of every year and abandoned them no sooner than jan 14th!!! ok...bad way to start...this blog shall live! coz the very fact that im making and writing on one means...im on something...narcotics? drugs? what then?.........simply sedated...im guessing. hence, until the sedation lasts, shall we presume for now?!

this is fun...im actually seeing a mirror here...am a bit conscious, bit awkward. slowly giving in and opening up though. must mention the process of getting here...phew! what an interrogation, what netophernalia for something as simple as this. its like having to answer...whatsup? what're 'you' doing here? of all the people, you? uh, but you have an email id, right? why do u want a new one? ok, any queries? ......no your honour, nothing so far. case adjourned, until the next hearing! trust me, it almost seemed like that. i hope i can re-enter this space after having said all that by the givers/creators. weird. right? them silly. hmm...so talking of sedation, its that time of the day when i usually get back from work, lie down peacefully doing nothing. something im not ready to trade-off for anything. my nothing means the world to me. i know what i missed when i didnt have access to it for two long years. i cherish, adore and swear by my nothing. so if this blog has begun to mean something, which has taken me away from the most imp nothing, i must be sedated....
im beginning to wonder how i would get people to talk about 'blogging' tomorrow and flaunt my lovely little space, MY lovely little space, that means 'nothing' to me really now (see how imp its become) on second thoughts, why should i bother telling anyone. this is one territory i can tread about as freely as possible. like the naked beaches of goa! but then, too much nakedness puts me off. its like a bikini beach. one can just be themselves, chill, relax and rejuvenate. wow! that sounds like a cool ad for www.sosedated.blogspot.com... the bikini beach space that means nothing really!
already feels like i've lost it...feels sooo good...its such a high! anybody there? anybody listening?! helloooooo...i can hear an echo...ooooo....i must be...so...so...sedated....